lost my faith

fucking hell i miss all of you. i miss every last part of it. i guess this really does end tonight right?
it's so quiet

i know i'll take the blame

back against the wallwallwallwallwallwallwall hairpin trigger take no prisoners cold metal hollow tip ammo i hope you're proud of me now i am a gun

where do we go from here?

its really been hard for me to even listen to the material since you passed, and all those letdowns came to follow in your place on the drum kit. tonight, i started with the first show i played with you at lemp, and now i'm watching through the ones where you were out of town and we played them with gork. next is the second lemp show. and yet everything is so distant now.

are you proud of me now?

how much human life is wasted on waiting
i said none i said none

and i don't think anyone covered for you better than gork. i think i had a feeling the second night in columbia like we were playing (the four of us are dying) FOR you. i mean that. i said one thing to the crowd, got no response, and played like we were practicing with you. playing creepy crawl the former night was a let down. it was an embarrassment of a former pinnacle of a music scene that will never exist as i saw it then. sometimes, i really hate change...

so kill the king before the ghosts get hungry again.
welcome to earth. my tomb. my prison since i left the womb.

i can't deny wanting more

and that was one of the things i do remember that was worth screaming. shagy, reciting MY words i wrote, on the mic with me on our first show at lemp

"and i will keep you fed. and when it's time to collect, you won't be left behind."

was a fucking highlight of my life. i will never get that back and i will never forget that. this recording just had garrett say "thank you brian beemer." after some song we played. wow. thanks for what? i abandoned a project because it became lackluster to the original concept and i was only able to practice what i loved to do at 4am on sundays (i worked at 9am on sundays. it became the worst shit. you have no idea how bad it got when we left the sheds.)

by the end of the shows, towards the end of the sets in the last few performances, i was on my knees from exhaustion, not anger or lack of comprehension of reality...and no one seemed to give a flying fuck or notice. i needed to get back in shape, i needed to stop smoking so much. i needed to get away from my whore of an ex-girlfriend (and i swear to the fucking god or whatever your whore ass decides to worship, you were the most worthless excuse for a whore ever-broke much? fuck you anyway.) i needed to get my life back in order and all i was doing during my waking hours, to be honest, was wishing i was back asleep. work sucked, my girlfriend was a bitch and turned out to be a whore as EVERYONE KNOWS. band practice was worthless. we were turning our songs into jam sessions and i was unable to throw microphones, scream, or stay awake for these things. nor did i have any interest in being a vocalist in a jam band.

you should have seen the look i gave alan at our last practice, i'm sure he remembers it. it was in a sense pity on my part, but i know him very well. i think he knew by just looking at me, he wasn't going to hear any of his songs with my voice ever again. he asked something along the lines of whether we should play the rest of the songs/set. fill me up. fill me up. let go.


two years have gone by now and i still don't fit in anywhere else as well as with a microphone in my hand, playing with people i really communicate well with, uttering some nonsense i wrote down in my bedroom,

AND IF THESE WALLS COULD TALK THEY'D SCREAM

I WILL SWALLOW YOU ALL WHOLE

we are so naive. so corrupt, and we concede....gotta get some while you still can...it's not illegal yet.

when you beg to belong just to dull the edge, the persecution, is it all worth it?


and now i put more meaningless shit into my head, plugging in devices
just to fill the time and sit idle. am i dead already?
am i?

i need to create again. i fucking remember everything. does it have to end like this for all of us?
it's getting late. i'm saving the 11-3-07 show for tomorrow, or a few nights from now.



the solution.

i can't sleep tonight, and i don't know what to say.
i've been so scared to use my voice.
what we want isn't always what we need.
if everything fell apart, how am i still here...

these are my scars. this is what i live with.
if there is an exit i still can't find it

i wish i could return the favor

never gain weight
never grow old

now i'm lost.
the imprinted vision when the lights went dark.

a recluse.
a tragedy within corridors of solitude.

on a tiny blue dot.
where instinct only keeps us alive so long.

overrun with ghosts.
the ones who keep me awake the most.

and it's not fair.
to be reminded of where you wish you were, and will never be again.

the ice in the sun.

this is a song you will never hear - one of those silent declines.

lost my faith.

so i'll drift off once more.
and when i wake up i may come to find
the phantom within, exhausted from the stress
will stay asleep in these lines of text.

but this story has not reached its end

yet

fill me up, fill me up - Let Go
beneath the wave i take a breath
and all the could and should haves
are just footprints in the sand of the past